Or ‘in which things came and went. And in the case of my pay cheque – mostly went.’
Hello, greetings and welcome to the last week of my mindfulness challenge.
In case you have just arrived here, I’ll fill you in on what I’m doing one last time. Over the course of seven weeks (with a few off in the middle for unexpected and potentially fatal female contracted man-flu) I have been implementing principles from Dr. Elisha Goldstein’s article Seven things Mindful People do Differently – and How to Get Started into my life one by one. I am hoping that in living more mindfully I will be able to help limit the debilitating effects of my anxiety disorder in my life. I would like to work my way back to the naturally energetic and outgoing person I am inside. So far it has been rather fantastic in that each of the small changes I implemented has had a large impact on my life.
This week is about the beauty of the ebb and flow of our ever-changing lives.
Accept – and appreciate – that things come and go
Things come and go. It is an immutable law of life, albeit one that is not always easy to accept. I accept that I run the risk of a coconut to the head on a tropical island because of the laws of gravity. I accept that I will fall down the stairs when I am in a hurry because of the laws of Murphy. I accept that I will lose loved ones because of the laws of nature. But I certainly don’t appreciate any of those things.
However, if I reframe the situation, I can appreciate things while I have them even knowing they will leave me eventually. I think this is more the point really. There is nothing to appreciate in knowing the next time I see my favourite uncle it will more than likely be the last. But I can appreciate the hell out of all the time we have had together.
It feels like forever since I last wrote to you, My Brunch Loving Vagabonds,
I know I have been curiously absent from my keyboard of late, I simply have not had the energy to write. Which is a new phenomenon for me. I love to write more than anything. Even more than I love chocolate and that is an awful lot. Sometimes life has a way of taking over and rushing you forward through time like a raging river. Other times it can meander along gently like a stream, letting you take in the sights of the journey.
The last couple of months I have been white water rafting through river caves. I contracted a two and a half month long virus that made me so tired I could barely stand outside work hours. Gradually I was able to get further through each day without needing to sleep or lock myself in a dark room to ride out a migraine until I was back to my usual effervescent self. As soon as that had completely left me, my father-in-law ended up in hospital (he’s okay) and the last week has consisted of up to three trips to the hospital per day. Not that I begrudge any of it, I feel very blessed to work so close to the hospital that I could spend my lunch breaks visiting with him. It has just left very little time for anything else in life and by the end of the week I was completely and utterly exhausted.
So here I am, having not participated in my own challenge for four weeks and feeling desperate to get things back on track again. I don’t necessarily need routine, but I do need to feel in control and know I have time to hide from the world and recoup my spoons (not as weird as it sounds, I’ll explain more about the spoons theory another day). Next week you can expect me to be reporting in on how I am going with week 6 of my Mindfulness Challenge – ‘embrace vulnerability by trusting others and myself’. This sounds like a particularly difficult one to do and it is one of those weeks I was expecting to crash and burn in when I first started out. I’ll explain more about that next week after I’ve had a chance to flex my burgeoning mindfulness muscles again.
Or ‘In Which I Failed To Make a Change but Ended Up Accidentally Finding Successes’.
Well, my Lovelies,
It is Monday evening and I have not written my weekly Mindful Monday post. I think that in itself is pretty indicative that this is a week that has not gone well for me.
Up this week was the third principle from Elisha Goldstein’s article ‘7 Things Mindful People do Differently and How to Get Started’.
Show Gratitude for Good Moments – and Grace for Bad Ones.
More than being grateful for the good ones and giving yourself a break for the bad ones, this principle teaches us to hold our emotions lightly. In other words – don’t get so wrapped up with and carried away by emotions, hold them lightly. They are not permanent and they will pass.
I was planning to stop right there with today’s lesson as it was only about 9:15am on Monday morning where I hit a brick wall on this one. At this time I let myself experience an emotion I like to call ‘what-in-God’s-name-are-you-thinking-you-idiot’, it is an emotion closely related to ‘seriously?-they-let-you-out-without-a-carer?’. Both of these are the sister emotions to ‘how-in-the-name-of-all-that-is-good-have-you-gotten-this-far-in-life-without-a-piano-falling-on-you?’ However, as I was typing I realised that when I encounter that level of what I perceive to be stupid decision making I can often drown in the hurt and anger at being thwarted or screwed over in the work place. My therapist had once pointed out to me that rejection of my ideas isn’t rejection of me. Our ideas are not unique to us nor are we defined by them. She went on to tell a story about someone who had invented something on one side of the world only to find someone on the other had done the same thing and beaten him to registering the patent on in. The point was brought home to me when I went to register the name for this website only to find that someone had bought that domain name and started using it three weeks beforehand (curse me for not registering it four months earlier when I thought of it and checked its availability).
It was a challenging concept to me as I had always seen myself and my ideas intrinsically linked. I feel personal rejection when my ideas are passed over professionally (mainly because they are freakin’ awesome like me). Anyway, I digress. But I digress with a purpose.
Or ‘In which Taylor Swift unexpectedly overtook Theory of a Deadman in my most played list.’
You know those days where the universe conspires to make sure you learn a lesson. Well Monday, the first day of the second week of my challenge was like that. I needed to learn and I needed to learn fast of end up failing before I started.
Week 2 – Forgive their mistakes – big or small.
In her article ‘7 Things Mindful People Do Differently and How To Get Started’ Elisha Goldstien talks about the challenges in practicing a mindful life and the importance of recognising that we will stumble. The hindrances of life that get in the way of living mindfully can become opportunities to learn. In these times it is important to recognise what you need in the moment and find your fastest route to begin again.
One of the things I struggle with is being hypercritical of myself. If I make a mistake I dwell on it, no matter the size of the mistake. I have conversations in my head about problems that haven’t arisen or judgements that haven’t been made because of my mistake. Like I said last week, I have issues starting things in case they aren’t good enough, I don’t give myself the chance to make mistakes.
In short – very bad with mistakes. Much issues.
I can remember being in therapy one time and mentioning that I felt like I failed at everything I tried. I felt I would never achieve anything or succeed at anything I tried. At the time I was in therapy because I had taken on the small community services organisation I worked for and ended up on work cover having had a break down. Their treatment of me had been nothing short of bullying. I ended up affecting change in their policy but couldn’t face going back in there ever again.
My therapist said to me “Tell me about the things you have failed at.” I couldn’t think of anything. I took the question home to think over more. “What had I actually failed at?” Contemplating this at home made me realise that although I had not failed at anything on a large scale, every set back, every rejection and every small mistake was blown up in my mind to feel like large scale failure.
Here we are again, My Darling Vagabonds
Telling you about the importance of looking at the beauty in the world instead of the boring train tracks and power lines that seem to clutter everything up last Monday reminded me of a walk I took one lunch time. And in true it-must-be-a-sign-even-though-I-don’t-believe-in-signs-so-it-is-clearly-a-coincidence-I’m-going-to-nod-my-head-and-say-huh-in-an-annoyingly-knowing-way-about kind of way I came across an article on Pinterest about the 7 things that Mindful People Do Differently.
I’m not sure that this story fits neatly into any of those boxes but to me it certainly illustrates how our attitudes change the way we experience life. And it is the beginning of a challenge I am setting for myself, and for you. But more on that in a moment. For now to the story…
It was a sunny day and the route down to the boardwalk I like to use takes me past a vacant lot, lots of trash, a dual lane highway, mosquitoes breeding in stagnant puddles… you get the idea. With my eyes firmly fixed on the green field ahead and my face turned to the sun (in a feel-the-warmth-on-my-face way, not a blinded-because-I’m-an-idiot-who-stared-at-the-big-ball-of-burning-gas kind of way) I felt the stress of work slip away as I walked in the sunshine with Ed Sheeran playing through my headphones.
As I walked through the trees I could easily have focussed on the abandoned shopping trolley, the trash in the water or the muggy mangrove air. Instead I saw blue wrens hopping across the ground, the fluffy seed pods floating through the dappled sunlight and the homeless man sitting on the boardwalk shooting up 20 feet ahead of me.
Last night was a long night. I won’t horrify bore you with the details of the darkness that kept me awake most of the night, suffice to say that I was almost a zombie when my hubby’s alarm woke me at 6 am. So now it is 6:30 and instead of being irritated that his alarm woke me when I was finally getting some sleep, I am grateful that he cares enough to help me find beauty in the morning.
Awareness of the colour of the light coming through the curtains was gradually penetrating* my foggy exterior but I had yet to rouse myself to look outside. Hubby came in and told me that the sunrise was spectacular and I should have a look at it. He pulled aside the curtains and after seeing the gorgeous golden sun stream through our window I couldn’t resist going outside to soak it in.
The sunrise making everything glow, the cool breeze on my face, the kookaburras heralding the dawn and the dew tickling my toes made me thankful just to be in that moment and chased away the night time terrors.
*still not a good enough reason to use the word penetrate**
**bonus cookie for those who can identify the movie quote
I’m properly mental. Not in the licking-windows-and-owning-57-cats way. More the suffer-from-a-generalised-anxiety-disorder-and-refuse-to-grow-up kind of way.
One of the things about that is that I have issues with perfectionism. Not that I’m perfect in any way or that things I do are perfect, more that I have trouble seeing anything I do as good enough, relinquishing control or starting things if I don’t think they will be as good as I want them to be.
I was practicing mindfulness at the beach yesterday while waiting for my daughter to be out of therapy (it’s not just me that is proper mental in my family)and a thought popped in to my head that I should have a section for mindfulness on my site. Then I thought that I couldn’t do it because I don’t have my proper camera with me. Then I thought about the fact that I haven’t found the voice I want to use to write this site. And then… Well you can see where this is going. But the end of the story is that I realised that it is my issue with perfectionism that is stopping me from really starting this site. And that I am not going to find my voice unless I actually start writing.
So here is. This is me starting the first post for Brunch Fuelled Vagabond. Even though I am convinced it is not going to be good enough.
And it about something I think we should do more of. Really experiencing the world we are living in. And the moment we are living in. Mindfulness.
Often when Ash is at her psychologist I will take a walk down to the beach, do some yoga or just sit and enjoy the sound of the waves crashing and children playing. Today I decided to turn left (much like Donna in Doctor Who but without the drastic earth changing results and creepy beetle).